Sex with elements of sado-maso ceased to be “forbidden fruit” since the book “Fifty Shades of Grey” was published. Nevertheless, many people are afraid to offer this to their partners — what if they perceive it incorrectly? Here is a whole guide to how to make your intimate life more relaxed!
According to statistics, about 1 in 5 couples practice BDSM in one way or another. At the same time, 1 out of 20 couples is engaged in quite serious sado-maso games. In other words, this trend is more common than you might expect.
HOW TO TALK ABOUT BDSM?
It’s very important not to postpone the conversation until you’re both in bed — and then you take out the handcuffs. BDSM is one of those types of pleasure that you must agree on in advance. For example, over dinner or in another relaxing setting. Most likely, he also had such thoughts, but he was afraid that you wouldn’t appreciate them. So go ahead!
Be sure to discuss the details: what you’re both ready to go to and what accessories you need.
HOW TO PREPARE?
You can start by watching adult videos, and at the same time learn some practical information. In addition, it’s easier to point the finger “let’s try this” than to try to explain your fantasies in detail.
An interesting point: you cannot assign permanent roles “from above” and “from below”, but change. And you don’t have to have this kind of sex at home: if you rent a hotel room, in a new environment, perhaps you’ll both cast off your shackles.
HOW TO ENGAGE IN BDSM?
There are a large number of options, here are just a few examples.
Bondage
You can buy game handcuffs, but it’s not necessary. You can take, for example, a strong rope that doesn’t cut into the skin, or belts. One partner ties the other’s hands above his head or ties them to posts in the corners of the bed. But this should be done only after discussion and with mutual trust!
The main thing you need to discuss before you start is security issues. Both of you should hold the same point of view in this regard. For example, if you want to bind a partner, and it is enough for him just to use an eye patch — then the option of binding should immediately be discarded. Trust and mutual respect are the foundation of BDSM.
Sensory deprivation
It’s one of the simplest but most intriguing practices in BDSM. A blindfold is a great way to play at trust and enhance tactile sensations. When the main provider of information to the brain – the eyes – is blocked, you begin to rely more on the sense of smell, touch, and hearing. Sex turns into a study: feel the smell of a partner – it’s unique for each person, listen to the timbre of the voice. The main thing is to keep these feelings in your memory when you start seeing again.
Play with different temperatures, but you need to do it carefully. Focus on the contrast of cold and hot, and not on the strength of these temperatures, otherwise you’ll get a burn or frostbite. The easiest way is to use ice cubes and a hot hair dryer.
You can also stimulate sensitivity with special sex toys with light electrical discharges. There are many similar devices, such as vibrators.
Whipping
It’s not a punishment from childhood, but an exciting sex game. According to statistics, every fourth man dreams of being spanked during sex. You don’t need to get carried away — it’s not about the fact that there should be bruises.
Gags and clamps
Gags are also a good device for beginners. They allow you to keep your partner silent (yes, sometimes you want to do this in everyday life, but, alas, gags are only intended for BDSM sex). When using them, you must specify a special signal or hand gesture with which the session will be stopped. You can, for example, put a bell near the bound partner so that he can ring it at any time.
You can also use various clips and clamps. It’s better to use those that are sold in specialized stores — professional accessories are designed so that when used correctly, they won’t cause physical harm.
Biting
It’s a great way to get a thrill without any cost and effort other than oral hygiene. Start figuring out your partner’s pain threshold in different places: nipples, ribs, arms, inner thigh. Watch his reaction, gradually increasing the bite.
Immediately discuss that you shouldn’t leave traces in prominent places. Be careful: to turn a ticklish touch into pain, and pain into pleasure, you need the utmost sensitivity.
Role playing
It should be two characters — the dominant and the subordinate. For example, a teacher and a student, a doctor and a patient, a police officer and a judge. Plots for role-playing games in BDSM don’t necessarily involve humiliation.
It’s important that each of the partners feels comfortable in their chosen role. It’s not necessary, for example, to impose on a woman the role of domina, if it’s completely unacceptable for her.
Moreover, you should clearly discuss in advance that all the selected roles operate within the given situation and don’t extend to the rest of life in any way. After you wipe the toilet floor with your partner, you can have a peaceful family dinner.
Safe word
This is a mandatory element of any game. If one of you doesn’t like something, there must be a way to stop the process. The word “no” isn’t appropriate, because it can be part of the game. It’s desirable that the safe word has nothing to do with sexual language. You can choose a neutral one — for example, “pineapple”.
TOYS FOR BDSM: WHERE TO START?
Beginners aren’t recommended to purchase giant whips, masks that cover the entire face and other devices for advanced users immediately. Start with fluffy handcuffs, a blindfold, or an ordinary rope.
There are also specialized kits for beginners. If you start with lighter and more playful toys, then the process of getting acquainted and getting used to BDSM will be much more effective.
During the first one or two sessions, you can simply experiment with bondage and finding an individual level of comfort. Pay attention to your preferences — whether you like being tied up or dominating your partner more. Be sure to let him know everything you think and feel.
Girls are sometimes especially afraid that the dominance of a man will have a bad effect on the rest of their relationship, in addition to the sexual sphere. However, in most cases, these concerns are unfounded. BDSM refers strictly to the sexual sphere, and shouldn’t extend beyond the bedroom. If a man wants to dominate his girlfriend in real life, this situation is a reason to turn to a psychotherapist. Such a person needs to work on solving their personal difficulties.
If you follow all the rules, then BDSM allows you to strengthen trust in a couple and open up new opportunities in sex that you might not have suspected before.
The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Basics